Recently, I went to see T.D. Jakes movie Not Easily Broken. If nothing else, this flick will or should open your relationship file. I know you have one. If you are breathing, you have one!I had to get behind the mind of T.D. Jakes to wrap it around the plethora of these real life events. I sensed he was speaking directly to every human, but to the different cultures. Yes, we are the same, yet we are all so very different. We are fools to think otherwise.
I felt the pain of the black man trying to make something of himself when the life has been sucked out of him. Were my sentiments as strong for the black woman, the white woman, the white man? Probably not. And I'm not saying I didn't "feel" their pain. I did. Even in the poor choices they were making. It seemed the black women were portrayed as being control freaks bent on emasculating their men. The white guy was really hung up on himself. The white woman? At first, I thought she was going to make wise choices as a single person. But then... I don't want to be a spoiler if you haven't seen the movie.
For me, it was a little heavy on blaming women more than men. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe not. Maybe I just need to get over it! For certain, I need to hear T.D.'s rendition. And I need to see the movie again. By the way, I love the title! See Trailer below.
But all in all, I would recommend it. And I would like to think it would spark our interest in seriously taking a deeper walk into our own souls, instead of trampling all over others first.
REAL Life At Its Core
Just the other day, I received a call from someone in despair, marriage despair, that is. We've all been there in some measure, have we not? The conflict is all around us, eating us alive. We are truly missing 101 in relationships. To start with, I think we have a major deficit in truly grasping what commitment is.
America's Def is: Agree to join in relationship with someone and stay as along as it's comfortable.
The tragedy is the debris of hell scattered and left for others to have to wade through. Children. Friends. Family. Even mere by-standers.
And what of the couple? We don't have all day to chat about that. And this isn't the subject of my dissertation.
Simply, we do know that trauma is typically part of the drama. And anytime you add trauma to a diet, the results are weighty.
What Is Easily Broken?
- Emotionally: Loss puts us in the check-out mode. Numb, if not all but flat-lined. Not that we arrive there right away. Most likely we go through the five stages of grief. However, not fluidly. We jump around from stage to stage. Backwards and forwards.
- Mentally: We are in a blur. It's dark. We can't find the light switch. Brain-fog at its best. We can't concentrate. We begin to forget what shouldn't be forgettable. It's not the best time to re-enter an academic setting. Yet, we have to keep functioning. And unlike any other time, we are expected to step up to the plate and begin to reinvent our lives.
For me, I had to quickly get out and find a job to survive. Fortunately, I was blessed with a job at a local college as an instructor. Talking about engaging my brain power. ouch.
I recall being told by more than one family member, "OK, two weeks is long enough to cry over any one man." And just days after my husband's revelation, I was told, "Get out and go get those Christmas gifts for your son." Gee, after all, wasn't it mind over matter?
Mentally, you can embrace an idea intellectually all day long. But getting the info to go from your brain to real life takes more than an IQ.
- Physically: Some of us join the "Divorce diet". Have you heard about it? Actually, you might find a few who would recommend a divorce if you desperately need to lose weight. The problem is: Stats show the weight most likely will revisit you down the road, and you aren't likely to get your ex back.
For me, I totally lost my appetite. Food was the last thing I was interested in. And in my case, I couldn't afford yet another loss. I knew something was wrong when my doctor came by to make a house call (yes, can you believe it? And, no, it wasn't in 1880!). She was checking on my young child as he had been sick. When I opened the door, the shocked and disturbed look unlocked my world of denial. As she spewed out, "Girl, you look like bone on bones! Your relationship is not going to be the only thing dead if you don't bring food back into your world."
The facts are divorce affects our weight, whether it be gain or loss. Neither in a healthy manner. Which in turn, affects the rest of your health, your immune system. Indeed you are compromised at life level.
- Spiritually: We either abandon our belief system or we cling to it like a pea in a pod. We either shake it or it shakes us. We find out what we "really" believe. Others find out as well. We become an example. Lovely.
Not only are we going through what seems like living hades, but now we have people looking at us and judging our actions? You know, like what did YOU do to make him leave? Or what could you have done differently? Or why aren't you getting over this? Or why aren't you depending on God to see you through? God means this for your best interest. God is building your character. God is bigger than all this. God will get him for doing this to you. God knows you can handle this kind of crisis. God, God, God.
My question: Why does God get blamed for things he NEVER authored? And do people not think you haven't already probably asked yourself all these things and MORE???? And do they not think you don't know these worn-out cliches?
One of my friends, who had lost a loved one, told me someone reminded her, "Well, most of these cliches are true statements." Sure they are, but that doesn't' mean it has to be the default button.
My View On How To Help The Broken
Here's my advice to those of you in this default mode, and who have not suffered great loss: Just shut-up. OK, so forgive my graphic overload.
Really, just be QUIET. Just listen. Quit trying to fix. Quit trying to make things better to make yourself feel better. Quit trying to be God.
But if you really care: Love. Listen. Love. Listen. And a simple, "Please know, I'm here and "hear" for you." 'Cause the truth is, you can-NOT do one single thing to bring back the dead, be it a relationship or a passing from this earth. Only Jesus Christ can do that.
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Enjoy
