Stress for the holidays? Didn't I just report on the "jolly" way to handle such matters?
Someone must have given me an early Christmas present with Murphy's Law as the attachment. Sounds more like an Elephant gift.
Trespass or Stresspass
Just days ago, I had an unannounced surprised visit wrapped in an old familiar package. No, for sure it wasn't Santa. More like the rearrangement of that word. Did I just say that?
Well, what would you call an ex-spouse who strategically places himself in the safe, sacred warmth of your quiet place of worship? Without your invitation. Without your knowledge. Without any warning. Without being able to opt out. An ex who, by the way, has not been seen or heard from in a collection of years. Who has not seen his son since a month after he left. Who clearly opted out of our lives.
And not only does he delve into the intimacy of your personal life in order to find where you are at that very moment in time, he without effort or conscience approaches you during "welcoming time". And you find yourself embraced in the well of his arms, though you aren't quite certain how you got there. Then a kiss leaves its mark on your face as you withdraw the uninvited attention. You see his mouth moving, but you can't hear the words.
Suddenly the serenity of the moment fades along with the people, the laughter, and the music. You find yourself en-captured in a clouded bubble, a world of surreality. There seems to be no way out. Your mind is seized with tandem thoughts whirling as though your world plays out of control.
Then as quickly as you involuntarily were engaged, you recover. You gather the flurry of your senses. Blood begins to flow again. You feel yourself breathing again.
Stress? Slightly. Yet, in that very moment comes the quiet calm that indeed is within your reach. You are not victim of any one's moment of delusion. You are not helpless. You are in control of our own mind and life.
Stress-Breakers Bring Boundaries
I embraced the moment and made the boundary clear. Very clear. So clear, he left my presence.
Though I remained somewhat stunned, I was not undone! As I turned toward those standing by and though they knew not "where" I had just been, their warm presence greeted my "chilled" emotions.
But What Of These Types of Irregular People In Our Lives?
It continues to amaze me the audacity of people who rape the hearts and minds of little children and presume that years later they can saunter in as though intimacy/trust were not destroyed. And without any work on their part to rebuild what they so carelessly destroyed.
Rationale takes over their choices, and denial moves in. Deny and deflect becomes their M.O.. And if you don't heed to their mental collapse, you are at risk of their mental tragedies of destruction: their lies, their damaged truth, their distortions.
Though you are not getting the play-by-play, just know that abandonment doesn't leave an open door for more drama. Or at least it shouldn't.
We are not to succumb to those who choose to drag us into their "crazies" as one counselor so nicely put it.
After The Fact
Did I later invite the ex to consider the debris he left behind that quiet morn? The emotional damage dumped onto a precious innocent human being: the child we gave birth to? The child who loved and adored him? Yes.
Any Great Expectations?
Did I really think there was going to be some resolve? No. But I did hope for a glimmer of truth to be embraced? The truth that the shocking intrusion was just that? That he violated trust again? Yes.
Hugs So Quickly Turn Into Hatred?
A blast from the past!!! That is putting it mildly. I was informed I was in the wrong. That everything he did was "appropriate and proper". That it hurt NO ONE. And that he would do it again. Too, as denial reigned, the accusations...deflections whirled. As usual, the perpetrator makes himself the victim. There was not even a slight possibility that he might find himself having hurt someone. And not just anyone. But his own child. I will never be able to get my arms around that self-absorbed theory.
Life Lessons
Sure, as an adult, I am to process the weirdness of the moment. But what of the children, no matter the ages? Is it fair to them? Is it proper? Is it sane? Is it holistic?
No! But these are the moments real life is made of. It's what makes us who we are. Thankfully, we don't have an abundance of them. But just enough to practice what we have learned. Enough to give us the confidence that we can take on the world and survive.
It gives us opportunity to remain sane in an insane moment. It gives us opportunity to teach those around us that they, too, can press thru and find hope. It breathes life when others are seizing it.
What I Leave You With
As mentioned in the previous article, holidays often bring "family/relationship" traffic. All too often divorce and loss are the lead factors in heightened emotions. Yet, we have an amazing ability to bring peace to unwanted sagas during this blessed Season. But will we?
Thank you for allowing me this time to share a personal moment in my life. I hope it gives you some measure of hope in whatever comes your way. Reach for it! And KNOW it is there!
Bless you as you merry your way through the sleighs and slays of the season. May you know how to "ride" each of them to safety.
Enjoy
